"Gentille, sans plus"

I broke up with her just before Valentine's Day. Hooray- I didn't have to look for a gift or take her out to eat. But I told her from the very beginning that I didn't want to get serious.

I waited a few days to tell my mom about our first date. She pressed me for details (Maman likes to know about my love life). I told her to relax, that if there had been any fireworks I would have told her sooner. The new girl was a medical student (i.e., much more intelligent than me); I told her I liked smart girls. She was tall for a Japanese. She chewed her fingernails - c'est nul, it sucks, I told mommy.

But we went out again and again. By late October I was telling people she was my girlfriend. Hey, I wasn't seeing anyone else, right? By that time I was fed up with going on new dates, anyway. Orianna was a distant memory. Besides, it was nice to have a girl interested in me for a change. I told my mommy that we got along well (doesn't everyone the first 3 months???? -Ed.). I sent her photos for my family to look over, always eager to see if my women were good matches for me. My mommy's reaction: "Did someone set fire to her face??" My lovely mom. My little sister found her frightful and couldn't bear to the think of my lips on hers. She begged me to find my equal, someone as beautiful as me. (Yes, my short sister with the hook nose.) My papa also urged me to dump her before she went psycho on me, too. He also observed that I must be afraid of pretty girls, like my brother- we have a thing for ugly girls (that includes Chrisann and Carolina). My brother? He's too busy living and enjoying life to comment. (My parents also don't pump his head full of lies.)

She was sweet and kind to me, ma doctoresse, patiently listened to my self-delusions and ridiculous worldview, my bitter condemnations of that psycho and even tolerated my rampant pussy trolling - right in front of her eyes! But alas, she didn't light my fire.

After a while I told my family that she was "nice, that's all," but ça me fait compagnie, at least I have company. (My mommy thinks it's OK to use and then throw away girls who are less than perfect.) I complained that she annoyed me because she didn't talk about anything particularly interesting- psychotic patients, grossly sick children and people in really bad shape with some nasty diseases. How boring! Who the hell wants to deal with that??? Can't she talk about something else more fun?? Like Marianna used to do- that psycho bitch!

She was also constantly sick, asking me to take care of her. I drove all the way to the Valley, did what I could and then ran home to complain to mommy that she was a big baby. I can't have that! It takes too much attention away from me. I should be the one indulged and coddled. I'm the pretty one.

I went to Montreal over Christmas and New Year's to see Carolina and Chrisann and also interview for a job at Ubisoft. Saw lots of cute chicks at the clubs. They actually talked to me. :-) I could live there. I returned to cold, dry, boring LA. Ma docteuse picked me up at the airport and we spent that night in my apartment, as I told my mom. I also told her not to worry- on rigole, sans plus- we weren't serious (or at least I wasn't).

In the coming weeks I complained to my mommy that she was getting clingy. We got into a fight one weekend- she accused me of not being affectionate enough with her. She agreed to leave me alone for a short while. I went home to my true love- pussy trolling. Match.com, Yahoo, Matchmaker, myspace. I don't like fights. Needed a new girl now.

I moaned to mommy that I was getting tired of her, even irritated. I remembered all the fun I had with Marianna, who was a lot more interesting and intellectual, always thought of cool things to do. Psycho bitch! I knew I was getting difficult, but that would just make it easier to meet new girls. Time to look for zee perfect woman again.

By the end of January, I had enough. She asked if we could hang out one weekend but I wasn't really excited about it. I agreed to see her, then I announced that it wasn't working out. I reminded her that I didn't want to get serious, anyway. She left quietly.

And then the shit hit the fan. Marianna broke into my email account. I'm sure it's because she found out that I had a girlfriend. There was that phone call in my apartment that weekend. She must have heard the new girl's voice and was outraged. Bitch. It took me a few weeks to get back into my accounts. Yes, more than one. Yes, a few weeks. I'm slow.

So, all that time telling her that Marianna was psycho, difficult, contrary, too excitable (and also fun, a thrilling conversationalist, extremely intelligent, passionate, with perfect hair and perfect skin and an unforgettable booty), I got bored with her nice-all-the-time schtick.

Do I really know what I want???

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