A Canine Affair

Car accidents. Sometimes, just because you're cute, the girl who hits your car throws herself at you. Which is what this girl did. My friend, Jamil, was driving my car while I was out of town and her mom's car hit mine while she was backing up. She later got in touch with the owner- moi.

Jennifer types labels and answers phones for a living. (What else can you do as a high school dropout?). For fun she gets drunk and goes clubbing on weekends. At 30+ years of age, she still lived with her mom in the shabby eastern nether regions of LA County and drove her Mercedes Benz, too! She knew English, some Tagalog and a little Spanish (e.g. "Hola, sexy!"). When I was dating 3-4 chicks at a time, she was into me the most (not the pretty Latina with her own business, or the lovely Russian interior designer). Can you see why? I'm way out of her league! My only friend Tim dropped by my apt while we were hanging out and took one good look at her and almost ran off- "Why her, dude? She's so not attractive!" (Yes, Tim is a witness.)

Why? she sucked good dick (the first time she came to my apt) and flattered me endlessly, that's why! LOL I closed my eyes so I didn't even have to see her face, especially those Grand Canyon-deep naso-labial folds and her Sharpie eyebrows. She invited me to her birthday party so she could show me off to her equally shabby friends and cousins. Once we spent the whole day at Universal Studios - really tacky but so what? she had free tickets and was all over me. We never had sparkling conversations - her usual reply was "Daaaaamn!" - but what were my options? One Monday I asked her how her weekend was; her reply: "I just kicked it with my dawgs.""

The other girls, the pretty ones with ambition and a college degree plus hobbies other than drinking, didn't want me after the first or second dates. Jennifer liked to wrestle with me, which was a nice workout since she was a lot chunkier than me. We practiced Spanish ("Hola, sexy!") and watched a Lakers game (I'm such a jock, you know). The best part of all was that she was gaga over my looks. I didn't even have to drive to see her- she drove to see me every time from the nether regions of Greater Los Angeles, bearing gifts from the 99 Cent Store, coffee from Food 4 Less, a cactus. One time I started playing a Buddha Lounge CD- she exclaimed "You have everything, Mehdi!" LOL When does a girl like that get a guy who looks like me? Lucky for her, I'll fuck anything, especially when the cute ones diss me. And lucky for me- she starts drinking early in the day and loves the ganja! :-) She was a cheap date, too- I never had to take her to a fancy restaurant. Buffalo wings were good enough for her.

After I finally had sex with her- one week after going to her birthday party and announcing that I didn't want to get serious (because her mom thought we were- must have been something Jennifer said) - I forgot about her for 3 months. When I found her number again, I called her and she came over that very night! These ugly girls will fly like a bullet train when a pretty boy beckons! :-) I made the moves on her, of course (what were we going to do- talk???) but she already had a serious boyfriend (then why did she come over???) so she left in a huff. That left me alone to practice with my pump-action porridge gun.

After all that, she still wanted to talk to me! (Her boyfriend/fiancé was in Iraq.) That makes her a good friend. A quality girl. So what if we had only superficial chats and emails between us and I didn't go out of my way to see her for another 6 months? (She drove to see me, of course.) I tried to initiate a discussion about Mad Cow Disease - that didn't go far (2 lines' worth of email). LOL That's the depth of a typical friendship (and conversation with the opposite sex) for me. And who says you don't have character just because you've spent a good portion of your life boozing and clubbing and then sucking strange dick after a few puffs of weed?

Wanna know something funny? Her last name, Baluyot, is very close to "balut," the delicacy of duck embryo eaten in the Philippines. I ate that while I was there. I guess I have a thing for ugly ducklings!

See how torn I am? I complain about girls who don't stimulate my mind but I take chicks like this and call them "quality girls" for as long as I can deceive myself! I look for multilingual, supereducated, witty, freaky Jennifer Connellys but for some reason only girls from the peasant underclass throw themselves at me.

(Sigh) I dumped Caro to be with girls like this???

I called her "hot" and a "quality girl" to piss off Marianna. But my family or Tim never heard much about her -that's how remarkable she was- and inevitably she faded away and moved on to greater heights with a ...ahem.. Marine. Not an officer, of course. A soldier. You know, the meat of the Iraq War machine, guys who enlisted because they couldn't find jobs??? Before that her boyfriend was a handyman. I'm in good company.

Why can't I meet girls that way again??? Why do I have to wash my balls and wear my nice sneakers for a date??? Mommy says I'm too special to do the chasing. You LA bitches better get with the program!



April-May 2004



Back to the beginning.

Jennifer Baluyot. Mehdi Yssef likes to deny that homely, lowly philippinas go for him and he always takes them.

"A boy's best friend is his mother."

-Joseph Stefano( writer, Psycho)



Back to the beginning.

I do not like her without socks

When the temperature dropped that fruitcake used to wear knee-high Achille socks and nothing else. Exuberant colors. Strange patterns. Then she'd prance around my apartment teasing me while singing a naughty Serge Gainsbourg song. Crazy girl.

But I'd rather have someone nice all the time, who doesn't get jealous when I look for Asian trolls online.



Back to the beginning.

Zombie hands

The only lay in the summer of 2004, until one of my ex'es flew into town and offered her services to me out of pity. The younger, still-menstruating girls couldn't detect my charm but this menopausal mama from the trashy Vegas exurbs wanted to pay me a visit. Hmmm.... a nice break from scratching my balls all day in front of the TV.

Marie arrived on a torrid July weekend wearing Daisy Dukes. Thoroughly déclassé. My mother's nightmare (and contemporary). She was so happy to leave her insurance job for a couple of days and hoof it up in La-La Land with a pretty and much, much younger than her. Unfortunately, I couldn't match her enthusiasm. She looked so skanky that I didn't want to accompany her into town or even introduce her to Tim or Carrie. But Carrie spotted us together on the stairs- Itchy and Grody - and mentioned this to Tim.

I didn't dare take her out to eat - and be seen with her in public - so I ordered pizza. With my dumpy apartment and worn Ikea furniture it was easy to create the charade that I was too broke to afford otherwise. I usually try to wrangle a sushi outing out of any company but not this one- no way!

Instead of the naked, sweet goodness of sake I had to contend with the hard lines of her face (one of us was square-jawed) and the even harsher lines of her pumped-up anatomy. She modeled her cheap Victoria's Secret lingerie for me, proud of her Franken-body. And of course sex was in the forecast but it was difficult to get turned on. I tried to caress her leathery, knotted skin, and her zombie hands were all over my taut, much much younger body but, honestly, her manufactured tits were the hardest thing in bed that night. As I told that psycho a few months later, I wasn't turned on at all. I also added that Marie just happened to be the only woman who was even interested in me that summer, in one of my few lucid moments. Marianna didn't even blink, already used to my hapless luck with online dating.

If you know me more than casually, you would have heard me trashing women with fake boobs, but then I gladly take this when nobody else will take my bait. Beggars can't be choosers.

I quickly reminded her the next day that she had a long drive ahead of her- Please, go - and threw her balled up change of clothes and cheap lingerie back into her trashy car.

But to be nice, of course, I asked her to call me when she arrived home. I do that to all chicks. Makes me seem gentlemanly, even I'm scratching my balls for the umpteenth time while they call back.

She still emails me every now and then, asking to visit. I always give her some excuse- work, with a girl now (like in June 2005, only two months after The Breakup), have to scoop up after my friend Tim's dog while he's out of town, gotta lay down some new linoleum, etc. She reveals that she's a bit anxious about finding a new man- she's too picky. I simply reply "Marie, what are you talking about?! You're so hot and sexy," hoping that she won't invite herself over again. She signs her emails "Kisses" and tells me that I'm very special to her.

Probably because I didn't ask her to pay me for that one time.

Hmmm... I probably should have just spend that weekend alone, shining the meat missile. :-(

Once again not with a girl I want- extraordinary in looks, education, intelligence, ambition or vivaciousness, or who can even understand French... but I don't deserve that, anyway, nor will such girls usually even give me the time of day. If confronted, I'll just deny everything and continue to insist that she's hot and sexy- she needs to hear it, though his truck driver's trophy girl has enough horny rube admirers on her page (regarde, Maman- I'm in good company) - even though my actions (i.e., not introducing her to my friend who lives only two doors away or wanting to be seen in public with her) indicate otherwise. Besides, I tell that to every female I meet online, especially the ones who throw themselves at me (1, 2).

If you spent more than a few hours with me, you've probably heard me make fun of women who state on their profiles that they're looking for meaningful conversation and then insert photos of their body parts, perhaps tattooed, framed by scanty clothing. Well, voilà- je suis hypocrite.

Overall, not a stellar summer (see Jennifer).
Marie Simer, Mehdi Yssef can only get booty from old trashy ladies

Back to the beginning.

Ma vie est monotone..

Je chasse les poules ... tous les poules se ressemblement... je m'ennuie donc un peu.

Like the fox, my life is boring. I look for pussy during and after work (myspace, datingdynasty, chinatownfrance, etc.) and the girls look the same. It gets tiring sometimes.

Les hommes n'ont plus le temps de rien connaître. Ils achètent des choses toutes faites chez les marchands. Mais comme il n'existe point de marchands d'amis, les hommes n'ont plus d'amis. Si tu veux un ami, apprivoise-moi !

I don't have the time to learn anything or get to know anybody. So I look online for a ready-made "friend" (company)- hopefully, a perfect one, like I deserve- on those sites. But I think they don't have perfect women! No bonnes affaires - good deals - on the Internet. Therefore, no women. Back to looking for Thai women on Place4Friends, or waiting around until the next Philippina hobbit/troll throws herself at me (because I would never chase such a thing).


Back to the beginning.

Mad Cow

June 2004















I was browsing myspace profiles at work, as usual. I saw Heidi's profile and decided that I needed her skanky ass on my friends lists. That's what myspace is for, right? So I emailed her "I want to fuck you." In no time, I was invited to her house, where the night didn't go as well as I was hoping.

First of all, I nearly drowned in cat hair. (I'm allergic.) Next, we went to a local bar where she proceeded to down multiple drinks at a time while entertaining her buddies/fans- apparently, she was a regular. After about $100 on drinks - not bad just for company - we returned to her house where she announced that she already had a boyfriend so she couldn't do anything but give me a kiss. So we made out a little and I left.

In my drunken state I found my way to Marianna's apt, not too far. I told her what transpired. She found Heidi on myspace and declared that she looked like Courtney Love after swallowing a cow. Nan da yo! Konna uresai onna...

Heidi deleted me from her friend's list the next day.



Back to the beginning.

Been around the world...Not!

Did you know that there are Asians in Paris??

I know this because in November of 2004, I spent about 8 hours in Paris on a long layover. Wow. They have those rice eyes and speak French! They probably wouldn't even notice my smell.



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